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 Critique, Perhaps? [Somewhat Mature Language]

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Cosmic
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PostSubject: Critique, Perhaps? [Somewhat Mature Language]   Fri Dec 04, 2009 5:01 pm

So I am in need of your critique on my first draft of an opening paragraph to a story I have been thinking about and attempting to write all week. As I said, it is only a first draft, meaning it man not be at all good. I won't call you a jerk if you don't like it, I really do appreciate your thoughts. It has got a slight bit of mature language, related to alcohol, though the main character is in her mid thirties so its all a-okay. Here is what I have so far:

Quote :
I am certainly not your first time mother, I don't pester my own mother with such foolish questions, no, not any more, those days are long gone. But thats not to say I too was not asking the same 'Are newborn babies allowed pillows?' questions as they all do. And though I may be past that, I am not at all your best mothering figure. I have three kids now; each one of them hates me. My husband? Yeah, he's sorting out our divorce papers. And then there's me of course, the often drunken woman who wakes up slumped against the bathroom wall with a banging headache each and every morning. I love my wine, and if it means that my kids have to go to bed a little early, who cares, I'm pretty sure it does not bother them, or so the bottles of alcohol have been telling me for the whole of their lives. But you know what, who is going to stop me from having the odd wine glass or two? No one, exactly. Everyone has the odd drink, I just take it a little too far. Honestly, I don't think anyone minds it, and that can't be the reason my children hate me. Im hooked on alcohol, yeah, but there must be something worse I have done to them. Perhaps I slapped one of them? Oh well, its in the past and if I can't remember it why should they. My name? Jenine Pipers. Try and keep me off the booze if you want, but I'm pretty sure you would fail.

~Cosmicx
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PostSubject: Re: Critique, Perhaps? [Somewhat Mature Language]   Fri Dec 04, 2009 10:55 pm

Wow. I like it, but then I like anything that crosses the "whats appropriate" line. The only problem I see is that most alcoholics don't realize they have that big of a problem. From a first person perspective its a little omnipotent if you know what i mean. It almost sounds sarcastic. Just my opinion.

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PostSubject: Re: Critique, Perhaps? [Somewhat Mature Language]   Sat Dec 05, 2009 4:46 am

Thank you for your views! I have read it over myself and I do now realize the problem, just something I did not quite notice myself when writing it. I think that after I get a few more comments, I shall be making it a lot better, and certainly more realistic.

Its not the first time I have written it actually, I did try and get critique on neopets, where you found me, however I mentioned alcohol and my board got deleted. I preferred my first one, but this one shall eventually be better.
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PostSubject: Re: Critique, Perhaps? [Somewhat Mature Language]   Sat Dec 05, 2009 11:07 am

I loved the idea of the thing, but I think it could be much better written. I think if you used a wider range of vocabulary and kind of delved deeper and tried to really put yourself in this woman's shoes, really BE her, you could make it SO much better. It's absolutely impossible to write something if you can't live in her skin and know her every thought.
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PostSubject: Re: Critique, Perhaps? [Somewhat Mature Language]   Sat Dec 05, 2009 3:25 pm

Thinking about that now, it really does seem that I can make it so much butter with both of your comments, I shall try again, though I can't promise It shall be at all good.
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PostSubject: Re: Critique, Perhaps? [Somewhat Mature Language]   Sat Dec 05, 2009 3:48 pm

Quote :
I am certainly not your first time mother, I don't pester my own mother with such foolish questions, no, not any more, those days are long gone. But thats not to say I too was not asking the same 'Are newborn babies allowed pillows?' questions as they all do. And though I may be past that, I am not at all your best mothering figure. I have three kids now; each one of them hates me, I don't even understand what has gone wrong. I mean come on, I have the odd glass of wine, but I am not an alcoholic. Perhaps I am. But it can't be that bad? Do men really leave women for having a drinking problem? No. My husband cannot be divorcing me for that and that alone. I must have done something, but if I have forgotten it, so must he. I'm not out every night, yeah I admit to waking up in the bathroom with a banging headache every now and then, but my family have no idea that is happening. They have never seen me drunk, sometimes with a glass of wine, but I only ever have one or two. Oh well, my whole life and family is messed up. You know what I am? A horrible, horrible woman. No wonder everyone hates my guts. What a sad life I have. To be honest I could really do with some vodka, beer, or anything right now, at least then I will stop regretting it all. My name? Jenine Pipers, not your average mother, but in my eyes, not and alcoholic.
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PostSubject: Re: Critique, Perhaps? [Somewhat Mature Language]   Sun Dec 06, 2009 8:36 pm

Still not quite there. There is still too much of a disconect. No emotion.

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PostSubject: Re: Critique, Perhaps? [Somewhat Mature Language]   Mon Dec 07, 2009 1:18 pm

Hm. True. Though now I really could use a couple of sentences from you guys, to give me a real boost, just so I can get it right as rain (:
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PostSubject: Re: Critique, Perhaps? [Somewhat Mature Language]   Wed Dec 09, 2009 9:08 pm

how about something like....

"I put my kids to bed early tonight, it was a long day and i needed a few hours alone with my good friend José. The one person i can always count on to make everything okay. I've found myself enjoying his company more and more eversince my husband told me he wanted a divorce. Now the fool has me fighting tooth and nail for our three bratty kids. I honestly have no idea how they turned out the way they did. Okay so maybe I'm not the best mother out there. Gimme a break though, It's not as easy as it looks. No, i may not be the best but I provide a stable home and all the basic necessities for my children, So I might not read them stories everynight before bed or go to every school function but they have everything they could ever want. Don't they? When did I stop paying atttention to those things? Was it my promotion? Have I been working that much more? Maybe? No, I don't think it was that at all...

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Last edited by Birdy on Wed Dec 09, 2009 9:13 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Critique, Perhaps? [Somewhat Mature Language]   Wed Dec 09, 2009 9:09 pm

not necessarily exactly like that but just enough to show she doesn't realize she has a problem yet.

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PostSubject: Re: Critique, Perhaps? [Somewhat Mature Language]   Thu Dec 10, 2009 11:59 am

I quite like it (:
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PostSubject: Re: Critique, Perhaps? [Somewhat Mature Language]   Sat Dec 12, 2009 8:34 pm

Oh Im soooo not saying i don't like it. Totally sorry if you took it that way. I love it. it's a very controversial matter. It makes people think. And the more i read it the more I love it. I gotta ask ... Are you going to post more of it?

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PostSubject: Re: Critique, Perhaps? [Somewhat Mature Language]   Tue Dec 15, 2009 11:54 am

Oh no, I meant I liked your one. And did not take it as an offense that you helped me, its what I asked for. Really? Hm. I will once I try to think of it.
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