Welcome! To WhoWillYouBe! Here we hope to build a better Roleplaying community by replacing rules with common sense. Interacte with user driven characters, story lines and settings. all of our content is user created and free form. Come On In!
HomeFAQSearchLog inRegister
Latest topics
» New York Vampire Roleplay {Very Cliche}
Tue Jul 16, 2013 3:21 pm by Grimmstone

» Shadows of Solitude
Thu Mar 07, 2013 1:09 pm by Azaro_Leo

» Untiltled Fantasy
Mon Feb 25, 2013 1:51 am by Birdy

» Spelunking I'd love your opinions just a short poem to kind of introduce myself
Mon Feb 25, 2013 1:19 am by XxBradahairxX

» Nice to meet you!
Mon Feb 25, 2013 1:08 am by Birdy

» Zombies
Mon Feb 25, 2013 12:47 am by Birdy

» just a chillin
Mon Feb 25, 2013 12:27 am by Birdy

» Plot Scenario Generator
Sun Feb 24, 2013 11:19 pm by Birdy

» One on One
Sun Feb 24, 2013 11:01 pm by Birdy

» New Theme
Sat Feb 23, 2013 1:54 pm by Azaro_Leo


Display results as :
Rechercher Advanced Search

Share | 

 Critique on my book would be much appreciated. [ Somewhat Mature Content ]

Go down 
Active User
Active User

Posts : 26
Join date : 2009-12-02
Location : England, Funnily enough (:

PostSubject: Critique on my book would be much appreciated. [ Somewhat Mature Content ]   Wed Apr 28, 2010 1:48 pm

So I think I may have given up on the other story, but I've never dropped writing for one split second. In my inactivity, I have been starting up a series named 'The Afterlife', and this is the first chapter of one book. I was thinking of calling it Serenity, but a name is still needed, and critique is appreciated, as always.

You could say I looked beautiful, yes. My thick brown hair had been thrown into a bun; the remaining locks twirled in small ringlets. This was the happiest day of my life, and I apparently had to look amazing. Even my eyes had been decorated with shades of silver, the lashes were now such a thick black I could have sworn it looked silly. And to top it all off, my lightly freckled cheeks were pink. Then I realized. Would they even know it was me? I certainly didn't look like the straight-haired brunette in the corner with a cup of tea anymore. Do men seriously want to marry what looks like a china doll nowadays? I looked worse than the bridesmaids.


As I walked down the corridors, my final moments of being a free woman were spent selecting a smile that suited my fake face. I made my way through the doors with what seemed like my best smile plastered across my crimson lips. One look at my fiancee and it changed completely.

Everyone was looking at me as I attempted to 'gracefully' walk down the aisle, my left arm linked to my father. The bridesmaids and ushers were all waiting in lines with my husband-to-be in the middle of them. I felt like I was late. As I approached Robert I began to worry. What was I supposed to do? He was just there. I stared at his sweet face, shaggy blonde hair and neat suit for a couple of seconds. Once close to him, my eyes met his green ones. I gave a sheepish smile and quickly kissed his cheek before taking my place beside him.


"We are gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Rachel Macpherson and Robert Sanders."
The music softly faded and Robert flashed his teeth at me. His hands had already worked their way into mine as the vicar went on.
"If the groom could please repeat after me. I Robert."
"I Robert."
"Take the Rachel as my lawfully wedded wife,"
"Take the Rachel as my lawfully wedded wife."
"In sickness and health,"
"In sickness and health."
"Till death do us part."
"Till death do us part."

He squeezed my hands as the old man turned to face me.

"And now for the beautiful bride. I Rachel,"
I swallowed, taking a deep breath before repeating after him.
"I Rachel."
"Take the Robert as my lawfully wedded husband,"
"Take the Robert as my lawfully wedded husband."
"In sickness and health,"
"In sickness and health."
"Till death do us part."
"Till death do us part."

I smiled as the ring was slid across my finger, leaning in and kissing Robert when a scream could be heard from the stands. Before I could turn around, a sharp pain stabbed at my side. My beautiful, sparkling white dress was stained red. I stood there for a minute with sorrow in my eyes, just looking at Robert; spluttering. The moment I fell into him, he softly laid me against the marble flooring. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I gasped for breaths. Not knowing how long I had left, I choked out my final words.
"I love you."

Chapter finished.
Back to top Go down
Critique on my book would be much appreciated. [ Somewhat Mature Content ]
Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
» 3-D TARDIS Model Kit book review wanted
» Accidental Ambition wins book award!
» Young author, first book, calling for support
» Book Publishing Stats from ForeWord Magazine
» Dogs of War Army Book

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Who Will You Be? :: Out of Character :: The Writer's Alcove-
Jump to: